Give & Take

Life is full of give and take, which is a nice way of saying we have to compromise sometimes. In dealing with human relationships there are so many subtle nuances that we often don't realize what is taking place in our own pysche. Sometimes when we think we are giving, the subconscious mind has actually conditioned us to be takers. Let me give you a simple example.

I love a good cup of coffee. I wake up on Saturday morning just dreaming about a caramel macchiato from Starbucks. I gently wake my wife and say, "are you awake? You had such a long week I thought I would take you to starbucks for a good cup of coffee."  Here is the question for consideration: In that moment, am I a giver, or a taker?

That scenario plays out in a much more damaging way in relationshps everyday. The husband who buys his wife the NFL season pass on cable rather than the diamond earrings she has been hinting for. The wife who surprises her husband with a weekend at a bed and breakfast for his birthday, but he was hoping for a new set of golf clubs.

Sometimes this kind of behavior is intentional and manipulative - other times it stems from a deeply held desire that is unfulfilled in our own lives. We may  not even know we are playing this game of self-deception, but it can be damaging non-the-less.

I don't have all the answers, but I do know that one key is learning to listen to the needs of those who really matter in your life. When my son was nine years old I bought him a guitar for Christmas. I kept the picture with the disappointment on his face as a reminder. That Christmas my desire for him to learn guitar superceded his needs - I was wrong.

Parents, husbands, wives, and friends do this everyday to one another. Rather than stop and listen to the needs of those most important to us - we project our own needs into their lives and that's where the trouble begins.

An important footnote: My family did awesome for my birthday this year. I had no idea what I wanted, but they gave me two wonderful gifts: 1) All my family was home to celebrate my 51st; 2) I love the new blueray player and the movies they bought me.