Legacy

On Sunday we started a series at church on Legacy. What is it we hope to leave behind? At times I struggle with pursuing the trappings of a successful life and miss the real substance of what it means to "leave a legacy." I may shout and rage against the machine, materialism and injustice in this world, but the truth is I like my creature comforts and parting with them is often harder than talking about parting with them.

I was reminded this morning just how important those daily acts and teachable moments are in our lives. I was scanning my children's facebook pages when I ran across a thread on my son's page. The conversation went something like this:

Gina: "What was that quote you said your dad was always telling you? You can't always have what you want, but you can always do what is right?"

Tristan: My dad used to say, "I can't always feel the way I am supposed to feel, but I can always act the way I am supposed to act."

So I sit here this morning with a little pride, a little self-satisfaction, but mostly with a strong reminder that our children are listening. It may not all sink in! It may take decades for some of it to bubble to the top, but they are learning something from us. They will learn from our negative behaviors and our positive examples, but any way you look at it - we are leaving a legacy.

I get down on myself a lot in areas I feel I have failed as a parent, a husband and a friend to others, but little moments like the one I experienced this morning remind me that someone is always watching and someone is always listening.

So, what is your legacy going to?

In the mirror in my child's eyes.

It was a typical Sunday evening and I was standing in the back of the church building when, of all things, my posture was called into question. My wife said, "stop and look at yourself." Not quite sure where this discourse was heading I said the only reasonable thing I could, "what are you talking about?"  "You standing their with your hands on your hips - you son does the exact same thing."  Sure enough she was right, my odd way of standing had been adopted by my 6 year old son.

Some of the traits we pass on to our children are relatively harmless, while others are not. There is  no greater grief in my life than seeing my children adopt a negative behavior that I know they learned from me. Nothing brings me to my knees quicker, or humbles me more thoroughly than this.

This week I was competing in a tennis match when my opponent started to share some of his own heartaches about his children and grand-children. All in all he described 3 generations of addicts in his family. His conclusion was that his family was genetically pre-disposed to addictive behavior. I wanted to ask about the enviroment and pattern of behavior that had been prevelant in his family tree, but it wasn't the kind of discussion you had between points or at the change-over of sides.

Maybe there is some biological, or genetic tendency towards certain behaviors, but I am convinced that most of our behaviors are taught and learned. Our children are watching us, and waiting for us to lead them. They prefer we lead by example - that we demonstrate the qualities and characteristics we deem so important in their lives. There are however times when we must bridge the gap of our own sins and failings and demand that our children rise above the "sins of the father."

Sometimes it is hard to look in the mirror of my child's eyes. It reminds me of how much is at stake. Father give me strength to teach by word and example the lessons my children need to learn.

A belated tribute

In Wild at Heart, John Eldridge spends a good bit of time discussing the "wounds from the father." He talks about how our fathers have left scars that we must bring to reconciliation. While there are difficult memories of trying times growing up, there is a fundemental truth that over-rides every  harsh word, or errant action of my own father - HE LOVED US.

Yes, he had a strange way of showing it sometimes. He was a hard man! He was old-school when it came to discipline! He certainly was not the great communicator, but you couldn't question his love for his family. How many times did he come to our rescue? How often did he bail us out of trouble? He put groceries on the table, paid for a college education and provided well for my mother even after his death.

I believe there is a problem in our society with wanting to blame somebody for the circumstances of our own lives and parents are easy targets. I haven't lived a perfect life and if my children choose to focus on my mistakes, there are plenty for them to choose from. I have failed them at times, I have not always set the best example, but I feel the most guilt when I see them making mistakes they learned from me. Even with all that, if I can accomplish two goals in raising my children, I will take whatever criticism and harsh words that may be etched on my legacy:

1. May my children always know that I loved them. I know my father loved me and "love covers a multitude of sins." Whatever else happens in this world - know that I love you unconditionally.
2. God loves you! Where I have failed with my imperfect love, God loves you perfectly, genuinely and completely. His arms are always open to you and forgiveness is just a whisper away.

So to all the dads who have messed up, failed miserably, and fallen short of the Huxtable model of parenthood - there is still a path to redemption. Remind your children today how much you love them. Tell them, show them, and bestow upon them an endless flow of love and understanding.